Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The Jesus Cheetos Diet
Many of us are already planning our summer vacations and beginning to think how we will look out on the beach or around the pool in our swimming suits.
There are plenty of diets out there that promise miracle results. There is, for example the Hollywood 48-Hour Miracle Diet which promises a healthier, slimmer, more energetic you in just two days. For those who think longer term, there's the Five Day Miracle Diet. Now that low-fat diets are out of fashion, those of us who've put on a few pounds over the winter might consider the High-Protein "Miracle" Diet. There's even a Midlife Miracle Diet -- which if Red State Rabble weren't already past midlife we would consider taking up ourselves.
While all of these diets promise miracle results, they also require the dieter to change his or her habits -- usually that means eating less, eating something else, or worst of all getting some exercise.
Until now, there was no diet that actually used miracles to achieve weight loss.
But that was so then and this is so now.
Dorothy Dursley, of Rio Rancho, NM, has a story she's just got to share. She's had a weight problem for a long time, and she'd tried everything - Weight Watchers, Atkins, and Slimfast, but just hadn't been able to keep the pounds off.
Then, last February, full of remorse, Dursley pulled yet another bag of Cheetos out of the cupboard.
"Jesus, I know you want me to lose weight somehow. Please, Lord, give me a sign to help me find the courage to do what I need to," pleaded Dursley. "I'm so weak, help me Jesus."
And that's when the Miracle happened. Full of guilt, Dursley, pulled out a Cheeto, and there was Lord Jesus staring her in the face. (see photo above)
"Praise Jesus," says Dursley, "I have not eaten one Cheeto since then."
No word from Dursley on when this item may appear on eBay, or what the initial minimum bid may be.
Note: The fact that this website appeared on April 1, that the locale is Rio Rancho, the site of recent creationist agitation, and our protagonist's name is Dursley, familiar to some of us as the reluctant, weight-challenged foster parents of Harry Potter, does not shake our faith in the power of this miracle diet, because we believe.