Tuesday, September 13, 2005


FSM Faithful Hold Vigil at Kansas IHOP

ST. FRANCIS -- Thousands of people, some from as far away as Omaha, made a pilgrimage to an obscure Western Kansas IHOP over the weekend after two women, Mrs. Wilma Flynn-Stone and Mrs. Betty Ruebell, were served a heapin' helpin' of buttermilk pancakes bearing an image with an uncanny likeness to the deity some call the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The pilgrims, who call themselves Pastaferians, stood for hours in line to get a glimpse of the extra tall stack of buttermilk pancakes bearing the holy image of His noodly appendages.

"I was about to put butter and syrup on them," says Mrs. Flynn-Stone, "when Betty suddenly shrieked and knocked the butter knife out of my hand.

"Betty is my best friend," confides Mrs. Flynn-Stone, "but sometimes she can be a bit of a drama queen. At first, I thought, maybe she was just being dramatic. About what, I had no clue. Then she turned the plate slightly, and I saw... I saw His noodly appendages, and my heart just stopped. Thank heavens she stopped me before I desecrated those pancakes!"

As word spread in the early hours after the Flying Spaghetti Monster chose to reveal himself, curious St. Francis residents flocked to the local IHOP filling the parking lot to overflowing, and forcing town patrolman Barnard Fife to write a record number of tickets for illegal parking.

As word continued to spread across the region, the No Vacancy sign was turned on for the first time in recent memory as rooms at the Amble Inn quickly filled with ecstatic pilgrims.

"I believe everything happens for a reason," says Mrs. Flynn-Stone's breakfast companion, Mrs. Betty Reubell, "Wilma and I have been eating breakfast here a couple of times a week for years and years. She always, and I mean always, orders pigs in a blanket with a side of bacon, and a large Diet Pepsi. Then, right out of the blue she up and orders the buttermilk pancakes. Say what you want, this was no coincidence. I mean, it was just meant to be."

City officials have reportedly approached Mrs. Flynn-Stone about donating her pancakes to the town's Flying Spaghetti Monster Museum, now in the planning stages.

"Oakley has the worlds largest prairie dog, Cawker City has the largest ball of twine, Junction City has its heritage underwear show, Lucas has the Garden of Eden," says a town official who agreed to speak only on background to this reporter, "with the Flynn-Stone pancakes, we can compete with them all. This is the biggest thing to hit St. Francis, ever!"

Mrs. Flynn-Stone, however, hasn't yet decided what to do with her heapin' helpin' of buttermilk pancakes.

"Fred, that's my husband, is on eBay like 24 hours a day," says Mrs. Flynn-Stone. "He thinks this might just be bigger than St. Francis. Fred says, maybe we should put them up for sale on eBay and, that way, make them available to the whole world. I don't think of these pancakes as mine. They belong to everyone."

Mrs. Ruebell, rumored to have had a falling out with her friend, Mrs. Flynn-Stone, over how to share any profits from their discovery, is reported to have consulted local attorney Dennis "Denny" Crane about telling her side of the story.

"I know things, terrible things" said Mrs. Ruebell darkly when asked to describe the story she expects to shop around to New York publishers and Hollywood producers in the coming weeks."
State School Board member Connie Morris, a St. Francis resident who has come under intense pressure recently to support the right to teach the controversy between competing Christian and Pastaferian theories of intelligent design in Kansas public schools, did not return repeated calls for comment on the seemingly miraculous appearance of the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the St. Francis IHOP.

More information on these remarkable events is available here.


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